Okay...a bit late but I got the new Addison road album yesterday :) It's a really catchy and sunny album with some great lyrics...ahhh goos stuff! I helped out at the monday event again this year...the "old people" are really nice...I can't wait till I'm older and have no illusions about myself so therefore can act however I want to without feeling AWKWARD...YAS.
Anyway better get working...the weather is wonderful today :)
God Bless y'all!
Katherine

Urgh...
I don't know, something about the now. I can't quite seem to get out of it. Everyday seems to be a struggle. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to face anything. I just want to sleep forever.
And what a waste of a life that is.
On one hand, I go to bed every night with hopes that perhaps I will do a lot of things the next day. I'm like 'yeahh I will do my work etc' and I end up getting out of bed at like 3pm...feeling groggy and angry.
Like everything is building up and I'm not quite sure who I'm angry at, everyone else or myself. Or more probably both. I feel nothing and everything...
Like I just want to be away and alone from everything and everyone until I can learn how to breathe again. I don't want to do anything, really...it's like life has no meaning. I find myself compulsively doing things. Like I can't even be bothered to stop myself. Like I'll eat a whole box of chocolates for no reason. I'll just do it. I'm not even hungry or I don't particularly crave it...I'll just eat them. One after the other.
And all my course-work etc...just can't be bothered to do anything. I just want to cry.
And whilst this is all going on, I feel a stirring inside my spirits to step up and get over all that is happening inside of me. But I don't have enough strength. I just have enough to realise that I should get over it. I find myself so distant from everyone and I can't talk to anyone about anything that I feel. I just feel that despite all their protests to tell me what's going on, that I'm boring them. They say I should tell people what I want, what do I want? I don't know what I want. Maybe I just want everyone to piss off and leave me alone. But how do you say that to people? They just get upset and the whole thing becomes about them, when it was really about me to begin with.

Oh and TV problems...even though I thought they were all over. But this time it's not on my side. I don't know how to say no to people...that's the problem. And it's not like I can avoid him forever. I'm scared he'll do something stupid...and I'll have to be mean. This timing is so ironic. When I want something, he's hesitant, when I no longer want it, he's trying hard to give it to me. 'It' being a romantic relationship. Atleast that's why I think he's been calling me a lot more lately. And I just want him to go away.....
Maybe it's nothing but there's a horrible doom cloud ahead, I can feel it. The inevitable 'make or break'...but I know from my side it's 'break'. I don't want a boyfriend. I just want someone to look after me. To care FOR me, not just care ABOUT me. Everything is so conflicting...it's like I can't make up my mind about what I need/want. Why do things always get complicated when you're in the most messed up situation? I can't deal with this situation right now. But I'm being forced to.
Why????????? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh! Just want to scream!!!!!!

Y'know I almost cried when watching 27 dresses because Katherine Heigl's character is like me. PATHETIC. I mean there's a difference between being nice and being an idiot. And frankly I'm an idiot... I just let people take and take and I don't have a spine to say 'NO, will you just PISS OFF??'. No I don't care what you think. No I don't care why. No I don't want to hear you talk. No I don't want to have you use my stuff. No I don't want to help you. No I don't want to always care about what I say in case I make you feel bad. GROW A SKIN maybe. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been using the F word a lot lately because I'm mad. I'm seething. I know I'm all messed up and tangled and probably being melodramatic (that's what teenagers do...heck not even teenagers). I thought I could cope, but evidently I can't. Argh...why is Jon McLaughlin so good at singing? And this song is about me lol...apart from the 'beautiful' bit...more like just the 'disaster'.

It just makes me cringe. When people have been trying to tell me that I'm beautiful...I just don't see it. And I can't help thinking that they're just saying it...to make me feel better about myself. When it just makes me feel worse.

I think the thing that hurts to most is that I've become the person I never wanted to be. The politician, the diplomat. The good speaker, the one who knows what people want to hear. And I've been stepping on egg shells so long that I have forgotten how to tell people what I want. I think I've lost my own voice. I don't even write anymore. I haven't written a poem or a song or anything in so long. Atleast it seems so long because I used to so much. I don't draw anymore. I don't do the things that used to give me such joy anymore. I'm even starting to sing less. I don't even sing in the shower anymore. Me, who sings all the time. It's like all the joy I have in this world is being sucked away so I will no longer enjoy anything. Till all I will have the strength for is to sleep. I never thought I'd get back to this stage. To the staring, blank stage of my life again. But I have, and it's worse.

And the further I feel like this, the harder it is to get closer to God. And He is the only person who can help. I know that. But it's like calling up a very old friend...and feeling anxious and stupid...but I'll do it. I don't want to get any worse.

Yup Jon, I just need someone to take me home.
Kai

1) Answer the questions below.
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take any picture from the first page of results and post. (click on the picture and copy the HTML code)
4) You can't copy the persons answers who posted this before you!

1. The age you will be on your next birthday?

nineteen

2. A place you’d like to travel?

Fiji! sooo purty


3. Your favorite place?
It's between the library and the sunny countryside XD


4. Your favorite object?

My bed!! ( I sorely regret typing this in *yuck* but I found my dream bed! )

5. Your favorite food?

It's a tie between the two.....ahhhh east meets west lol


6. Your favorite animal?

CHINCHILLA (sooooooo soft...want one!)


7. Your favorite color?

GREEN (Isn't it funny that it came up with Jonas Brothers and a leaf dress...lol!)



8. The town in which you were born?

Chiang Mai baby (ahh Thailand)..I've got elephants in my birth town...beat that!

9. The town in which you live?

Bedford baby (and that's the one in the UK...wish my Bedford had Penn Badgeley and Milo Ventemiglia...mmmm yum!)

10. The name of a past pet?

Crystal (sooo many camwhoring shots...got this one)


11. The first name of a past love?

Had to DIG into childhood for this one...and it's not even really true (in hindsight..)but hey I'll put it in.....George

12. Your nickname/screen name?

Kai Kai (orcystork came with nothing!)

13. Your middle name?


15. A bad habit of yours?


16. Your first job?

And because 14 was missing, I'll invent it.
14. Favorite texture?

my band name has to be -->ring of steel
my album name is--> paved with adverbs (I actually like this lol)
And the picture of my album cover is.......



Not bad I say....not bad at all!

Happy New Year y'all!
God Bless!
Katherine

Hey all!
Haven't updated in awhile...have been busy with SHTUFF. Am now a trainee S2N leader...that was unexpected lol! And am playing a gig at Esquires on the 25th! So things have definetly MOVED UP musically...feel so priviledged. Am also babysitting a new family for the first time tonight...so things have been changing. Went to York with Abby, Abby's dad and Ruby yesterday. That was fun. The Uni was alright...people were v friendly n stuff...the city of York was just TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL though...so my type of town...ATLEAST 3 tea rooms, specialist (and by that I mean crazy button selling shops) shops and crazy young and friendly fudge sellers...okay there was only one...but he was a loon....and a very appealing loon at that. I love meeting zany people!
Got my Suneohair CD at last...MAN IT IS SO GOOD. I love EET! I finished 'Honey and Clover' as well...twas a strange but good ending...seemed realistic somehow...I love the 'slice of life' aspect of that anime/manga. Sho gewd! Yas...anyway haven't really got much to say apart from there was little murmurs of confusion about TV a couple of days ago because ppl kept wondering if he still had feelings for me....but they've died down...or atleast I will not let that bother me...I'm pretty sure it's like a Yuki and Tohru kinda affection from him anyway. WHERE IS MY KYO???
S'all I'm saying.
God Bless!
Kai
P.S. 'Everybody hates Chris' is purty darn good

Hey...woh reading that...it's so weird to know that God has answered my prayer and I'm 100% cured. COMPLETELY. Like no heart murmurs...nada...zilch...zippo.
So weird, last night stayed up late watching 'Heroes'...didn't even know it existed yet apparently everyone loves that show and knows about it...man I really do live in a cave. My sisters were like ' TARD this show has been advertised EVERYWHERE'...and I was like .....'wha??'
Anyway I found this thingy I had written a while ago...thought I might share it with you...was pleasantly surprised with my style of writing.
Here goes...
' Whilst watching the cantonese film 'I hate you so', I began to contemplate once more what I really want in love.
Is the woman's romantic ideal to OTT and men too insufficient to fulfil our fairy tale dreams? Do we kid ourselves by telling each other that we don't "need a man" and bite their heads off for trying to be helpful, but yet coo and sigh when watching rom coms and secretly wish for a love like the one flickering in on the screen? (need to revise this v long sentence)
Despite all other arguments, love is what we talk about most, write about most and think about the most. does so and so really love Mr. Blank? Does Mr. X fancy Miss Whatsername? Is there really "that guy" out there- waiting for a nutcase like me?
Maybe all this romantic thoughtfulness is just a pile of mush and no one really cares as much as they do in the movies. Maybe that red heart-shaped seed sown in hopeful anticipation will grow gnarled and stumpy with age, bearing only bitter fruit.
Are we as women, doomed to be unsatisfied with anything thrown our way because our expectations are literally "out of this world"?
Should we lower our standards? Or should we allow the guys to surprise us with wonders our words and thoughts could never invent?
For me, I want that seed to grow into a tree, not a flimsy flower people can admire, pick at and be showcased in vases till it wilts. No, i want it to grow with age into something substantial, giving shelter, being a subtle landmark, something that takes time and effort but one that everyone mourns when its gone, with memories of time spent near the tree and its fruit that spreads on the life whether it is eaten or where ever the seeds fall.'

Okay it's a bit rubbish and in need of an edit...but I found that interesting. For those who haven't watched the film 'I hate you so'..WATCH IT. T'is real good.
God Bless!
Kai

Well things have CHANGED. CHANGED CHANGED CHANGED.
Newday was a great experience in that the teaching was good...and despite vomiting out misery in worship (I had a lot to cry about), I felt something was confirmed...my passion for wanting to get back to prayer. URGH I want things to CHANGE!!!!!!!
But things have changed...in ways more freeing and hurtful than I could ever have imagined. Yup...the epic tale between me and TV is finally over...I cried A LOT about it at Newday. It was very difficult, and hard to ignore. I kept trying to shrug it off but it's completely changed...my feelings and his. He now has reached the status of my last fatal crush....which is so hard to believe, because a month and a bit ago, I was practically hearing violins serenading etc.
I guess I felt disappointed, that I thought maybe just maybe once in my life I could have a love returned. Yeah...I always said I was in-like with him, but I guess I loved him. Maybe I wasn't "in-love" with him, maybe I was. And it was more real than anything I had ever experienced. I could care for someone who cared back. And I knew his faults but I loved him anyway, and he would look at me like he was in-like with me too...man I'm pathetic.
So...when things changed...it was almost like he was a stranger. And that hurt a lot. It made me feel like everything I had felt was some sort of sad delusion...why is love so fickle?
So I prayed like crazy...and I'm managing now. I guess I'm angry at him for no apparent reason..which is usually a good sign that I'm getting over him. It's just that this heart disease is hard to recover from...
I still have pangs of pain. I'M OVER HIM and it really is FINAL this time...but I can't deny that the wounds are still there from where he was ripped out. It hurts, It stings when he's around. It's so awkward now. And not in that aching awkwardness like before, when we still liked each other in that way...but now it's just AWKWARD. And his little comment the other day...what was he trying to achieve? Does he want to make me jealous? I don't know where I stand anymore........ARGH!
And the worst thing is that we're pretending that nothing is wrong...well atleast I am. But it's there. There is something not right and I want to confront him about it, but I don't dare. I'm too much of a coward.
I guess I'm just venting now because...I was just reminded, and I wanted to cry...because perhaps I have jumped the gun a bit...and I've not given myself enough time to cry (though I snotted LOADS already at Newday)...urgh need to let this feeling out before I go a bit mad. Not that it plagues me as much as it used to...it's just I find it very hard to let go of people...hence 'Daisy' is like the best song for me lol.
I guess the most sobering thing is the fact that he was never the right one for me. I mean I had my doubts (being paranoid and all), but I really did wish that he was someone special because we were so compatible and in all the small things, he was perfect. But I know now that my initial stumbling block was accurate. I need a Finn (from 'Enna Burning' by Shannon Hale etc) and although he wasn't quite a Sileph...he wasn't right fundamentally. I need a guy who'll cherish me, because I am a giving person, wanting to care, and I need someone who can give me that. Who'll love me for who I am and not just for what I can do for them. That's a bit depressing....
I can't stop the stupid little tears from welling up...then again I'm listening to Damien Rice lol...I just can't wait to have a new hope that maybe even me can be appreciated and loved. And that not all romantic love is for saps.

Allo Fabien!
Sorry...just reminded me of the C.A.K.E days....I'm taking a break from cleaning...just finished cleaning mom's bathroom and dusting/hoovering her bedroom...blegh tired...so much dust! I still got the main bathroom to clean as well as my room, then I'm gonna do some sewing...what an exciting life I lead!
Yesterday was a little stormy...and I have been moody lately...PMS? I don't know...but man does all my body ache...I can't seem to get up. But I have to get up early tomorrow cause I promised Mr. Fricker that I would get to school on time everyday........why?? why did I promise??? oh well...
At this rate...I don't think I'm gonna get into Oxford...it's just so darn hard. Maybe I shouldn't bother I don't know. I found that first spanish exam (LRW) really hard. Like I'd be lucky to get a B kinda hard....grooo! I don't even know if I should be taking spanish! Whatever lame I know.
But I am happy that I had such a fun time on Friday. The picnic was really mellow and it was nice to hang out with everyone and to hang out with Alex. I guess that's maybe why I feel so comfortable around him, because he doesn't mind me bringing friends along...and he doesn't get all awkward about being the only guy. It was also cool that his mom really liked my cookies!
Yeah so that was good....................it's so typical that from such a good time, it's got to this...I'm not depressed at the moment but I'm feeling kinda blah....like I'll have canned laughter you know? Whatever...I wrote a new song the other day and actually FINISHED it...just need to tab and taadaa!
I'm thinking of writing up my childhood memories just incase Dr.Alzheimers knocks on the door ;)
Anyway God Bless!
Kai

Hmmn got my book today..(it cost 1p!! okay..with p&p it was like £1) anyway...it was, as you could probably tell 'About a boy' by Nick Hornby. It's weird that watching the movie again on a whim whilst ironing has affected me so. I bought the book on a whim as well and have just finished it. Let's just say it was a good read, I laughed harder and louder than I thought I would. Not that the movie wasn't hilarious (in a v tasteful way might I add).

Yeah anyway...the ending in the book was v. realistic. It was almost more hard-hitting than the movie because as it says "Marcus had lost himself, and got to walk home from school with his shoes on.". The character Will misses the old Marcus in a way, the one that loved Joni Mitchell etc, I kinda miss that Marcus too...I was sorta rooting for him. Cause even though I didn't get bullied like that at school, because I don't find making friends that hard and I only ever reaaaaaaally got bullied for being asian and occasionally because I am weird lol, I kind of related to him. I didn't know he originally had glasses! (the character Marcus I mean)...but I guess in the film, they didn't want to make him stereotypical etc. Anyway glasses aside, it was comforting to see someone so weird....I kinda wish he didn't have to blend in so much in the end (as much as loving Smashing Pumpkins is "blending in") though I respect that he wanted to grow up himself, and he's happier now even though he had to sacrifice parts of himself for that.

Why am I thinking about this so much? It's just a darn book. Man outside is so pretty! The sun is glowing on all the trees and the clouds in the azure sky are all puffy and cute...kinda like that poem by John Clare...the one everyone kinda dissed because it was too simple or whatever. Sorry off on a tangent as usual.

Yah anyway apart from being kinda depp that I can't connect to youtube (*cries*)I have been successfully procrastinating (as you can tell with my book reading and watching 'Black Books' late into the night)...I really SHOULD do some work (right after I read volume 2 and 3 of 'Yotsuba'). I might call Steph tonight, if she's got time to hang out with Fi, then she should have time for me right?

Groo I don't know why just before I nod off I am always FILLED with passion (not that kind dirty minded people) and enthusiasm to do all this stuff. Like customize t-shirts, write a novel/poem/song, revise till my eyes fall out, discover a cure for every single disease....But it's gone by morning....how strange.

Anyway rambled enough for today. God front- things are going better. I'm speaking to him more now (yeah okay call me crazy)...which is good if I want a more intimate relationship (and I mean that in the best sense...mind out of gutters!)...so yeah just got to get my act together!!

Hey,
Just watched 4 consecutive episodes of 'Joan of Arcadia' (second season)....and yeah t'was good...I cried when Adam cried and when he is like all 'You made me nervous because I liked you so much and thought you would never like me'......*Cries*....and when she feels so betrayed because he slept with Bonnie.......*sigh*
Anyway yeah things have been a bit chaotic lately...well they were anyway. It was kinda like....I don't know, lots of emotions were building up, a lot of worry about people and just general chaos inside. Like...there was this MASSIVE smog that I kept ignoring until it just engulfed me. Like urgh..I can't really explain it apart from I was so frustrated and struggling so hard that it physically hurt and caused me to SOB whilst watching 'Peach Girl'...I mean it's pretty intense but not SOB worthy.....
Yeah so on sunday with Julian Adams coming and all that, I was already high strung because I had been worrying a lot from the previous night...about certain things...and so I practically was tearing up in CF lol...anyway...(woh! my head just span...maybe it's Neil singing 'I know your name')...anyway I went up to get prayed for and ended up sobbing on Jade's shoulder...and it was almost like something was realeased...like something was let go and it felt.........great really. Just like really darn great!
And it was like one barrier came down, and even though I've got LOADS of barriers...it was so satisfying (sorry just cracked up hearing Neil singing 'I knew I had to burn down the supermarket to achieve world peace...so I did!')to have one come down. Like when you feel good when you've finished one homework assignment...even though you've got loads...you feel like you've achieved something, get my drift?
Yah anyway, so that's good right? I feel like I really want to keep annoying God till he blesses me...like Jacob and the angel/God (I don't know whether it was God or an angel...gotta read up on it)...I spoke about it with Alex today and we contemplated whether that was selfish, but like I said to him, if God blesses me, I'll only be reflecting his glory right? That's my theory anyway.
But in practise...I'm being a bit lousy. I spend my time doing useless things (kinda like this) up to the wee hours so I feel too tired to pray at the end and make some lame excuse to God...so much for annoying him...I guess I am, but not in the way I intended. That's another thing I was discussing with Alex, I said my relationship (or perhaps our relationship) with God is kinda like gardening. You really can't be bothered to hoe the ground, keep the weeds from growing everywhere, putting the smelly manure on, sowing the seeds and yeah every so often a little sprout comes out and you're ECSTATIC but then it kinda keeps being this twerpy green sprout and you want it to be a flower or a vegetable or a herb or whatever and it's taking it's sweet ass time. And you can't be bothered to water it, and you get mad when some bozo slug messes your plants up, and you don't WANT to check on your plants when there's a bloody storm and you feel like you'd rather scrap the whole thing...because everything is in the short view. But in the long view...you reap what you sow. In the long view, we have crops, we have them for ourselves and to share, and in the end....nothing tastes as great.

Yeah okay long analogy...and I am probably a lot more articulate in hindsight...and also since I wrote this up...I probably babbled to Alex...I'm not sure if this was the time when Sophie decided to curl up on my lap whilst threatening to claw my crotch lol. And I don't know sometimes with him, I wonder if my words are having any effect...or if they're just kinda bouncing off.

Apart from 'Pirates of the Caribbean 3' being as confusing as the Matrix 3...it was a pretty good day. I could have sworn that it would rain (so there I was with aba lu's massive silver umbrella) but it broke out into a BEAUTIFUL sunny day. Like GORGEOUS...so it was really a pleasure to walk with Alex and catch up and talk about everything and nothing. It was nice. And my walk to Alis was good too. Cleared my head even though it clogged my nose.

Oh man sometimes I wish things were just clearer and I'd stop being such an ass and take responsibility. So just because I'm a compulsive list maker I need to make a list here and now.
TO DO TOMORROW
1) Look around and see if I picked up Harry's capo and call Caroline asap with the results
2) CLEAN UP MY DIRTY ASS ROOM
3) Do some darn spanish revision
4) Send my newday stuff into church
5) Make some t-shirt stuff for YE
6) Figure out my 4th song for the EP

ahh I feel better already. Thank you Jesus! I'm kinda glad...it's like an outlet...cause I know no one reads this apart from me, just to get a glimpse of what I was feeling at a certain time etc.

Jesus is my cardiphonia (I hope hope hope!)
Kai

Heh heh heh happy day!!
I got to look after my brain child today!!!!!!!!!!
But before we get there...um...yeah okay woke up to go to church early today...feeling slightly worse for wear as I was you know like blegh stomach fluish....but turns out today was worth going to church. Joel Virgo was so good! His message was deliciously honest, interesting and relevant. Wunnerfull! Anyway...yah got home and had some battles with the toilet (lol!) and Kirsty came over for some "lunchage" and a chat. Then went back to church for afternoon service and helping out the kids. Because there were only a few kids, It was either Sharon or I who could go back to the service and since I had already been in the morning, I took the boys along with my girls (only 2 of them)...hence fulfilling my dream of looking after my brain child! WUHAHAHAHAHA he was a handfull but I thoroughly enjoyed it...it was fun being with them, however annoying they can be! Ahhh good stuff...I liked how it changed from 'I'm allergic to girls!' to more chatting and talking. Hee hee and my girl brain child was being really cute and nice too ...so I'm a happy bunny! We hung out at church for awhile and chatted n stuff to people...I spoke to PNRF for a bit...it seemed a little um awkward but yeah...not bad, it's cause we kinda talk to each other like adults now (okay rephrase HE talks to me like an adult now). Very strange!
Anyway just came back from Nandos...am stuffed!
Oh yeah 2 other cool points--> Alex gave me a post card from Canterbury Cathedral today (hand delivered) which was surprising and nice.
--> And mooobs stopped ignoring me but still was a bit flustered lol.
Anyway gotta go!!
God Bless!
Kai

Heya.
Finally finished 'The Bell Jar' by Sylvia Plath....she's so darn good at writing! The only way I can really describe her writing style is to compare it to a cool crisp november day. It's so full of emotion yet detached and....I don't know....very similar to J.D. Salinger's Holden Caulfield....apart from Salinger is more like an October day..sunny yet slightly chilly. Okay...will stop with the comparisons!
Was a little depressed on wednesday...I don't know why...okay I KNOW why...but I don't know why it effected me so much.
'Blades of Glory' is a good film by the way...typically Will Ferrel...so worthy of a looksie, if not in the cinema than on DVD...better than a pirate copy!
Anyway yeah...my heart felt really heavy...almost like it was engulfed in some sort of big blag smog of chaos (excuse the literary descriptions...I'm just kind of you know working out my writing muscles). So yeah...the smog has lessened (thanks to me indulging in chocolate (LINDT!), Joan of Arcadia (second season goodness yum) and the upbeat "power to the girls" songs of good ol' Josie Mcoy a.k.a 'Josie and the Pussycats'.
So yeah...that helped a bit. Don't feel as bad but it's almost like I'm mourning slightly and I don't really know why...why is it that I have the unfortunate personality of being quick to love and VERY VERY slow to let go. Perhaps I should listen to 'Daisy' by Switchfoot...when Jon sings 'Let it go....Daisy let it go, open up your fists'........lol!
Wait have just put on 'Revenge' instead....I like the acousticy way Jon plays...
ah well.
Just the other night Wendy clicked on a link in Youtube called 'We need girlfriends'...it's surprisingly really funny! We are waiting for episode 7!!!! Wendy likes Tom and I like Henry (even though he is probably the least good looking)...he's just so funny and dorky...he cracks me up! I love episode 3 'myspace'...it's SO true! I almost want to watch it again and probably will after updating my norton internet security crapola.
So yeah people if you read this please pray for me cause I think I need it!
I want to be a writer darn it!! Am even considering being a librarian for some reason...how strange. But have to go to Uni for that....hmmn well maybe will think about it.
God Bless!
Kai

I've just come back (okay give or take like an hour) from walking back from church (which was really fun as it is sooo nice and sunny outside...okay minus the embarassment of Hank and Rob and them seeing me walk). Meeting the 'older members' of church today was really fun and I feel so blessed to have talked to them. I even let one of them call me Katie...it sounds so cute coming from her though.
Anyway Beety is creeeeeeeeeping me out. I think I'm going a bit psycho and overreacting....but I don't know, I'm not used to him being nice to me....or NICER to me. Whatev I'm happy being alive today.
God Bless you!
Kai

Hmmn felt a bit pattie like there :) today....since I didn't go to bed till 7am and then um..yeah got up and showered in time for the 4pm service at church. Paul was quite good...one of these days when I get the courage I will ask him to tell me stories about the Salvation Army...cause I'm really interested in it.
Anyway weird...just finished ironing and watching 'Bridget Jones 2'...which was hilarious as always.
Might go eat my dinner soon...(yeah I know late). I really like this Bethany Dillon CD...she's awesome and so full of the spirit (something I really should be working on...but trust me I'm trying to!). Totally ecstatic about my brainchild...gosh I'm SUCH a loser...but he's seriously sooo cute!
Hmmn today was so lovely and sunny...makes me feel glad to be alive...oh yeah but I forgot I have to go to the lunch thing tomorrow...oh well. And Jade never texted me (or came to church) so I don't know how that's gonna fly oh well...
Anyway...just sometimes...sometimes 'I feel like I want to fall in-love...or something' (I'll give a prize to whoever knows which book that quote comes from)...I mean I see how relationships go wrong etc etc but sometimes, when it's sunny and you want to wear your cute sundress and slip on some cute pumps and put flowers in your hair (minus any bugs), and you just want to lace fingers with some really sweet and lovely cute guy who'll beam at you and watch the sun illuminate the golden red in your hair (okay this applies to my hair but you know whatever if you're blonde or some other colour it'll be different)and you'll both kind of run down the lush rolling green grass and feel the wind in your hair (in the right direction of course...today it kept happening in the wrong direction...blindind me and reducing me to a banshee)only to collapse happilly on the ground and breathe a sigh of satisfaction as you gaze into the invitingly open azure sky, watching the clouds drift lazily across, only to turn your head and smile that satisfied and content secret smile at said sweet cute boy who mirrors and.....*sigh*...guess I got caught up in that daydream. Does that ever happen or am I just waaaaaay to romantically delusional? Hmmn a dreamer to the core eh?
I think I'm probably the kidn of girl (and I never really thought I was) that would want to dress up for a date. like wear a nice dress (not something really flashy but like the sundress I was on about earlier) and just to see my date/boyfriend/husband look at me and for his eyes just to light up in quiet adoration....lol BARF true...bet you didn't know I was such a sap...wait then again perhaps you do. I love music that reminds me of this feeling...this sunlight pouring across the acres of golden thread weaving dreams inside my mind....perhaps this is why I'm such a fan of easy-listening or acoustic kind of music...because I feel so content and inspired....man Bethany Dillon is good, did I not mention this? :) And this album was when she was 15!!! 15!! so there goes Mr.Leitner's presumption about voices...yeah okay her voice got a bit deeper now she's 19 and a tad bit mature but raw talent is raw talent...whatever age.

Why is it that I seem to be in a creative rut, writing half finished songs and poems and stories....perhaps it's because in the stillness, I should be finding peace but because I'm a wack job...I'm finding stagnance (is that a word? I don't know) and perhaps I should just surrender and let things go........ahh daisy...(ref to Switchfoot).

God Bless!
Jesus is my cardiphonia!
Kai

P.S. These lyrics are really good
"Beautiful" by Bethany Dillon

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

My goodness I'm doing well with the blogging aren't I? After this I will probably start on that psychology revision. Well yeah...today sucked. I gave in to sleep and didn't have my time with God. Psychology was okay (I got in only 5 mins late). Spanish etc was alright and Junior CU was fun, I feel like I can be good with kids etc. But yeah...the day kind of just came to a close. I've been feeling kind of menstrual lately anyway...I'm a lot more snappy and moody than I usually am, and I don't think I've laughed properly in the past few days, if at all. And when I usually have a grateful smile when I see the sky or sunset or something, it comes out more wistfull and weary. Is listening to 'The Blues' a good idea? I don't know...it suits the mood huh?
Yeah so was kind of feeling on the verge of tears etc anyway...so when Claire was trying to annoy Fu and Fu was trying to shrug her off, causing Claire to step back and stamp her v pointy heel on to my little toe. Ouch. So yeah...the immediate shock of that made my eyes water but then my whole face kind of scrunched up and the next thing I knew I was heaving into a crying session.

'You push until you're shoving. You bend until you break. Do you stand on the broken fields where your fathers lay? It'll be a day like this one when the world caves in'...
sorry that's what Jon is singing now....hmmn.
Yeah so if you've ever read I.N.V.U and when Sey is feeling really weird because her mom is leaving again and dumping her with this weird family and she feels like crying so when she accidently bangs into Siho's bag and hurts herself, that first brief pain is like an outlet to what she's been wanting to do in the first place...yeah ...hmmn

So feel very uncommunicative as of now. I'm hoping I cheer up slightly for practise tonight...cause I don't think I'm comfortable enough to be moody to Chris hmmn.And perhaps when worshipping, I'll be able to lift my eyes up and get my priorities straight again. Grooo damn amalgam of rubbishness.

It's 'Let your love be strong' now...I love this song. Sometimes I wish people were sensitive enough to pick up on the fact that if some one is uncommunicative, and the most you're hearing is a couple of sad 'mmms' that perhaps they want to be alone. I hate having to kick people out, or tell people to leave me alone, but sometimes it's just necerssary. Why is it that when you yearn for company no one's there and when you really need a breather, people are banging at your door? Makes no sense does it now?
Perhaps I am only kidding myself thinking that I am sensitive and thoughtful to others, that I can pick up on their feelings and empathise....I suppose I am.

Anyway psychology awaits...and the looming psychology mock I know nothing about is tomorrow....
Ahhh a chorus of deadlines awaits me....whispering 'music tech' and 'spanish'...I wish that they'd still and quiet but they grow louder the more I avoid them....
Will leave whilst Jon is singing the song 'Yesterdays' and heartbreakingly singing 'every lament is a love song, a love song'.

God Bless,
Kai

EQUALS





LMAO Okay am soooo lame to have just done that. But yeah... at spanish conference thing, because I gave way to this guy who said 'excuse me darlin' and allowed him to move this trolley into the emmanuel centre but um...yeah and so I did and he said 'thanks, you're a princess of zion' or something similar. Claire will probably dispute on this etc but y'know whatever. It cracked me up more than it creeped me out.
Yeah Claire...I know what you're thinking 'Why is she making such a big deal about this?'...it's for my own personal amusement so :P.
Anyway spanish thing was kinda boring so....yeah not much to report.
Will try and get a life....or have a shower lol.
God Bless!
Kai

Wow it's been awhile hasn't it? Maybe I'm just an idiot...or is it annoying to scroll down and find that small 'my LJ' link? I can't seem to find another way to go on My LJ...but this is probably due to my retardness. I didn't go to school today. Perhaps not the wisest thing but am feeling very groofull and tired and dizzy and irritable. I don't know what it is but I'm feeling overcast again. Either due to hayfever or period or both. WOW just looked outside my window and it's all been decorated with raindrops...looking like frosted glass. Beautiful! Anyway just like a couple of minutes ago I took a picture of my back garden because it looked so gorgeous with all the different colours of the blossoms, greenery and misty purpley grey clouds. I couldn't help but say out loud 'Lord you're gorgeous' because His creation is merely a faded reflection of himself, so how much more beautiful must he be?
I watched 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' today, it was as hilarious as I remembered it. Man...I can't imagine getting married....will be sooo weird! MAN it is cold. Want to turn on the heater or something because I am in spongebob fleece pj bottoms and teddy bear fleece top and with duvet covering feet and STILL shivery.
I was reading earlier LJ entries and thought my goodness, TV comes up a lot. But yeah...it's STILL undecided. I've found that I quite like the circular motion...it kinda keeps everything the same but different. Does that make sense? It's the very nature of a circle...for things to progress yet remain the same....hmmmn philosophical.
I find that when I feel kinda sad, I really wish more than ever to run to 100 acres
wood and live in a tree house and play in the sun and bake bread and tend herbs and flowers...and to annoy rabbit by eating at his place. Ahh sunshine picnics....if only you were real!
Yeah so there goes my urge to be a homemaker/old lady recluse in the country with a tea room because I know there is so much more to life than that and that God has much more planned for me. Still there are times where I wish life was simpler...
Comic relief just made me go...why is life so shallow? Why is there such injustice etc etc? I really don't know....it makes no sense. And still I have essays and work looming overhead and I'm floundering as usual. Feel awful. Oh well....one thing did cheer me up, on sunday I did tea and coffee with Wendy...hectic! But it was pretty fun. Oh and Alex's dad came to say hi which was nice, and we had a chat. Seems that Alex told him about open mic night, and it was nice to know that he was impressed by it. Mr. S joked that he wanted to hear the CD when it's finished.

Oh yeah that's another thing, because of open mic night, Amy suggested I record so, Jade, Steph and I are recording tracks to be recorded. Have already recorded 'Middle of the Sea' and will hopefully do some R.A tracks but some more of my own songs..for like a little demo CD...so things are progressing and am very happy about that. It's so good to see things move forward musically.

Anyway gotta go now and do my english essay.
God Bless you all!
Kai

yeh this is me looking minging....deal with it! lol

Man 2006 ended well for me, and 2007 looks promising.
I almost feel guilty because things have been going so well for me lately.
But yes prayers have been answered involving TV and worship....so am really pleased.
In fact tonight at evening service (helped lead worship with Chris and Rob), talked to so many people that I hadn't thought would talk to me. I mean they came up and TALKED to ME...which is strange, it's always me hankering around trying to get their attention...lol! But it was great, really felt the Spirit, and it was nice to chat with Jan who I've been meaning to talk to...she remembers me so that was nice!
Anyway...I wish I could say more but I gotta check up on the laundry..and yes get stuff done before school.
God is GOOD, so don't lose heart, because I almost did and God always listens to your problems, and when the time is right, he will reveal himself to you...and you'll know you are finally ready.
God Bless!
Kai