Log in

new blog

ahh I miss livejournal...for my cathartic writing...as in less what I've been up to and more general musings and more exercises for me to write regularly...the place to go to is http://katquinto.blogspot.com/

God Bless!


Okay...a bit late but I got the new Addison road album yesterday :) It's a really catchy and sunny album with some great lyrics...ahhh goos stuff! I helped out at the monday event again this year...the "old people" are really nice...I can't wait till I'm older and have no illusions about myself so therefore can act however I want to without feeling AWKWARD...YAS.
Anyway better get working...the weather is wonderful today :)
God Bless y'all!
I don't know, something about the now. I can't quite seem to get out of it. Everyday seems to be a struggle. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to face anything. I just want to sleep forever.
And what a waste of a life that is.
On one hand, I go to bed every night with hopes that perhaps I will do a lot of things the next day. I'm like 'yeahh I will do my work etc' and I end up getting out of bed at like 3pm...feeling groggy and angry.
Like everything is building up and I'm not quite sure who I'm angry at, everyone else or myself. Or more probably both. I feel nothing and everything...
Like I just want to be away and alone from everything and everyone until I can learn how to breathe again. I don't want to do anything, really...it's like life has no meaning. I find myself compulsively doing things. Like I can't even be bothered to stop myself. Like I'll eat a whole box of chocolates for no reason. I'll just do it. I'm not even hungry or I don't particularly crave it...I'll just eat them. One after the other.
And all my course-work etc...just can't be bothered to do anything. I just want to cry.
And whilst this is all going on, I feel a stirring inside my spirits to step up and get over all that is happening inside of me. But I don't have enough strength. I just have enough to realise that I should get over it. I find myself so distant from everyone and I can't talk to anyone about anything that I feel. I just feel that despite all their protests to tell me what's going on, that I'm boring them. They say I should tell people what I want, what do I want? I don't know what I want. Maybe I just want everyone to piss off and leave me alone. But how do you say that to people? They just get upset and the whole thing becomes about them, when it was really about me to begin with.

Oh and TV problems...even though I thought they were all over. But this time it's not on my side. I don't know how to say no to people...that's the problem. And it's not like I can avoid him forever. I'm scared he'll do something stupid...and I'll have to be mean. This timing is so ironic. When I want something, he's hesitant, when I no longer want it, he's trying hard to give it to me. 'It' being a romantic relationship. Atleast that's why I think he's been calling me a lot more lately. And I just want him to go away.....
Maybe it's nothing but there's a horrible doom cloud ahead, I can feel it. The inevitable 'make or break'...but I know from my side it's 'break'. I don't want a boyfriend. I just want someone to look after me. To care FOR me, not just care ABOUT me. Everything is so conflicting...it's like I can't make up my mind about what I need/want. Why do things always get complicated when you're in the most messed up situation? I can't deal with this situation right now. But I'm being forced to.

Y'know I almost cried when watching 27 dresses because Katherine Heigl's character is like me. PATHETIC. I mean there's a difference between being nice and being an idiot. And frankly I'm an idiot... I just let people take and take and I don't have a spine to say 'NO, will you just PISS OFF??'. No I don't care what you think. No I don't care why. No I don't want to hear you talk. No I don't want to have you use my stuff. No I don't want to help you. No I don't want to always care about what I say in case I make you feel bad. GROW A SKIN maybe. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been using the F word a lot lately because I'm mad. I'm seething. I know I'm all messed up and tangled and probably being melodramatic (that's what teenagers do...heck not even teenagers). I thought I could cope, but evidently I can't. Argh...why is Jon McLaughlin so good at singing? And this song is about me lol...apart from the 'beautiful' bit...more like just the 'disaster'.

It just makes me cringe. When people have been trying to tell me that I'm beautiful...I just don't see it. And I can't help thinking that they're just saying it...to make me feel better about myself. When it just makes me feel worse.

I think the thing that hurts to most is that I've become the person I never wanted to be. The politician, the diplomat. The good speaker, the one who knows what people want to hear. And I've been stepping on egg shells so long that I have forgotten how to tell people what I want. I think I've lost my own voice. I don't even write anymore. I haven't written a poem or a song or anything in so long. Atleast it seems so long because I used to so much. I don't draw anymore. I don't do the things that used to give me such joy anymore. I'm even starting to sing less. I don't even sing in the shower anymore. Me, who sings all the time. It's like all the joy I have in this world is being sucked away so I will no longer enjoy anything. Till all I will have the strength for is to sleep. I never thought I'd get back to this stage. To the staring, blank stage of my life again. But I have, and it's worse.

And the further I feel like this, the harder it is to get closer to God. And He is the only person who can help. I know that. But it's like calling up a very old friend...and feeling anxious and stupid...but I'll do it. I don't want to get any worse.

Yup Jon, I just need someone to take me home.
1) Answer the questions below.
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket
3) Take any picture from the first page of results and post. (click on the picture and copy the HTML code)
4) You can't copy the persons answers who posted this before you!

1. The age you will be on your next birthday?


2. A place you’d like to travel?

Fiji! sooo purty

3. Your favorite place?
It's between the library and the sunny countryside XD

4. Your favorite object?

My bed!! ( I sorely regret typing this in *yuck* but I found my dream bed! )

5. Your favorite food?

It's a tie between the two.....ahhhh east meets west lol

6. Your favorite animal?

CHINCHILLA (sooooooo soft...want one!)

7. Your favorite color?

GREEN (Isn't it funny that it came up with Jonas Brothers and a leaf dress...lol!)

8. The town in which you were born?

Chiang Mai baby (ahh Thailand)..I've got elephants in my birth town...beat that!

9. The town in which you live?

Bedford baby (and that's the one in the UK...wish my Bedford had Penn Badgeley and Milo Ventemiglia...mmmm yum!)

10. The name of a past pet?

Crystal (sooo many camwhoring shots...got this one)

11. The first name of a past love?

Had to DIG into childhood for this one...and it's not even really true (in hindsight..)but hey I'll put it in.....George

12. Your nickname/screen name?

Kai Kai (orcystork came with nothing!)

13. Your middle name?

15. A bad habit of yours?

16. Your first job?

And because 14 was missing, I'll invent it.
14. Favorite texture?
my band name has to be -->ring of steel
my album name is--> paved with adverbs (I actually like this lol)
And the picture of my album cover is.......

Not bad I say....not bad at all!

Happy New Year y'all!
God Bless!

peace and fudge-factory loons

Hey all!
Haven't updated in awhile...have been busy with SHTUFF. Am now a trainee S2N leader...that was unexpected lol! And am playing a gig at Esquires on the 25th! So things have definetly MOVED UP musically...feel so priviledged. Am also babysitting a new family for the first time tonight...so things have been changing. Went to York with Abby, Abby's dad and Ruby yesterday. That was fun. The Uni was alright...people were v friendly n stuff...the city of York was just TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL though...so my type of town...ATLEAST 3 tea rooms, specialist (and by that I mean crazy button selling shops) shops and crazy young and friendly fudge sellers...okay there was only one...but he was a loon....and a very appealing loon at that. I love meeting zany people!
Got my Suneohair CD at last...MAN IT IS SO GOOD. I love EET! I finished 'Honey and Clover' as well...twas a strange but good ending...seemed realistic somehow...I love the 'slice of life' aspect of that anime/manga. Sho gewd! Yas...anyway haven't really got much to say apart from there was little murmurs of confusion about TV a couple of days ago because ppl kept wondering if he still had feelings for me....but they've died down...or atleast I will not let that bother me...I'm pretty sure it's like a Yuki and Tohru kinda affection from him anyway. WHERE IS MY KYO???
S'all I'm saying.
God Bless!
P.S. 'Everybody hates Chris' is purty darn good
Hey...woh reading that...it's so weird to know that God has answered my prayer and I'm 100% cured. COMPLETELY. Like no heart murmurs...nada...zilch...zippo.
So weird, last night stayed up late watching 'Heroes'...didn't even know it existed yet apparently everyone loves that show and knows about it...man I really do live in a cave. My sisters were like ' TARD this show has been advertised EVERYWHERE'...and I was like .....'wha??'
Anyway I found this thingy I had written a while ago...thought I might share it with you...was pleasantly surprised with my style of writing.
Here goes...
' Whilst watching the cantonese film 'I hate you so', I began to contemplate once more what I really want in love.
Is the woman's romantic ideal to OTT and men too insufficient to fulfil our fairy tale dreams? Do we kid ourselves by telling each other that we don't "need a man" and bite their heads off for trying to be helpful, but yet coo and sigh when watching rom coms and secretly wish for a love like the one flickering in on the screen? (need to revise this v long sentence)
Despite all other arguments, love is what we talk about most, write about most and think about the most. does so and so really love Mr. Blank? Does Mr. X fancy Miss Whatsername? Is there really "that guy" out there- waiting for a nutcase like me?
Maybe all this romantic thoughtfulness is just a pile of mush and no one really cares as much as they do in the movies. Maybe that red heart-shaped seed sown in hopeful anticipation will grow gnarled and stumpy with age, bearing only bitter fruit.
Are we as women, doomed to be unsatisfied with anything thrown our way because our expectations are literally "out of this world"?
Should we lower our standards? Or should we allow the guys to surprise us with wonders our words and thoughts could never invent?
For me, I want that seed to grow into a tree, not a flimsy flower people can admire, pick at and be showcased in vases till it wilts. No, i want it to grow with age into something substantial, giving shelter, being a subtle landmark, something that takes time and effort but one that everyone mourns when its gone, with memories of time spent near the tree and its fruit that spreads on the life whether it is eaten or where ever the seeds fall.'

Okay it's a bit rubbish and in need of an edit...but I found that interesting. For those who haven't watched the film 'I hate you so'..WATCH IT. T'is real good.
God Bless!

heart disease is hard to recover from...

Newday was a great experience in that the teaching was good...and despite vomiting out misery in worship (I had a lot to cry about), I felt something was confirmed...my passion for wanting to get back to prayer. URGH I want things to CHANGE!!!!!!!
But things have changed...in ways more freeing and hurtful than I could ever have imagined. Yup...the epic tale between me and TV is finally over...I cried A LOT about it at Newday. It was very difficult, and hard to ignore. I kept trying to shrug it off but it's completely changed...my feelings and his. He now has reached the status of my last fatal crush....which is so hard to believe, because a month and a bit ago, I was practically hearing violins serenading etc.
I guess I felt disappointed, that I thought maybe just maybe once in my life I could have a love returned. Yeah...I always said I was in-like with him, but I guess I loved him. Maybe I wasn't "in-love" with him, maybe I was. And it was more real than anything I had ever experienced. I could care for someone who cared back. And I knew his faults but I loved him anyway, and he would look at me like he was in-like with me too...man I'm pathetic.
So...when things changed...it was almost like he was a stranger. And that hurt a lot. It made me feel like everything I had felt was some sort of sad delusion...why is love so fickle?
So I prayed like crazy...and I'm managing now. I guess I'm angry at him for no apparent reason..which is usually a good sign that I'm getting over him. It's just that this heart disease is hard to recover from...
I still have pangs of pain. I'M OVER HIM and it really is FINAL this time...but I can't deny that the wounds are still there from where he was ripped out. It hurts, It stings when he's around. It's so awkward now. And not in that aching awkwardness like before, when we still liked each other in that way...but now it's just AWKWARD. And his little comment the other day...what was he trying to achieve? Does he want to make me jealous? I don't know where I stand anymore........ARGH!
And the worst thing is that we're pretending that nothing is wrong...well atleast I am. But it's there. There is something not right and I want to confront him about it, but I don't dare. I'm too much of a coward.
I guess I'm just venting now because...I was just reminded, and I wanted to cry...because perhaps I have jumped the gun a bit...and I've not given myself enough time to cry (though I snotted LOADS already at Newday)...urgh need to let this feeling out before I go a bit mad. Not that it plagues me as much as it used to...it's just I find it very hard to let go of people...hence 'Daisy' is like the best song for me lol.
I guess the most sobering thing is the fact that he was never the right one for me. I mean I had my doubts (being paranoid and all), but I really did wish that he was someone special because we were so compatible and in all the small things, he was perfect. But I know now that my initial stumbling block was accurate. I need a Finn (from 'Enna Burning' by Shannon Hale etc) and although he wasn't quite a Sileph...he wasn't right fundamentally. I need a guy who'll cherish me, because I am a giving person, wanting to care, and I need someone who can give me that. Who'll love me for who I am and not just for what I can do for them. That's a bit depressing....
I can't stop the stupid little tears from welling up...then again I'm listening to Damien Rice lol...I just can't wait to have a new hope that maybe even me can be appreciated and loved. And that not all romantic love is for saps.

ergh mergh

Allo Fabien!
Sorry...just reminded me of the C.A.K.E days....I'm taking a break from cleaning...just finished cleaning mom's bathroom and dusting/hoovering her bedroom...blegh tired...so much dust! I still got the main bathroom to clean as well as my room, then I'm gonna do some sewing...what an exciting life I lead!
Yesterday was a little stormy...and I have been moody lately...PMS? I don't know...but man does all my body ache...I can't seem to get up. But I have to get up early tomorrow cause I promised Mr. Fricker that I would get to school on time everyday........why?? why did I promise??? oh well...
At this rate...I don't think I'm gonna get into Oxford...it's just so darn hard. Maybe I shouldn't bother I don't know. I found that first spanish exam (LRW) really hard. Like I'd be lucky to get a B kinda hard....grooo! I don't even know if I should be taking spanish! Whatever lame I know.
But I am happy that I had such a fun time on Friday. The picnic was really mellow and it was nice to hang out with everyone and to hang out with Alex. I guess that's maybe why I feel so comfortable around him, because he doesn't mind me bringing friends along...and he doesn't get all awkward about being the only guy. It was also cool that his mom really liked my cookies!
Yeah so that was good....................it's so typical that from such a good time, it's got to this...I'm not depressed at the moment but I'm feeling kinda blah....like I'll have canned laughter you know? Whatever...I wrote a new song the other day and actually FINISHED it...just need to tab and taadaa!
I'm thinking of writing up my childhood memories just incase Dr.Alzheimers knocks on the door ;)
Anyway God Bless!

about a boy

Hmmn got my book today..(it cost 1p!! okay..with p&p it was like £1) anyway...it was, as you could probably tell 'About a boy' by Nick Hornby. It's weird that watching the movie again on a whim whilst ironing has affected me so. I bought the book on a whim as well and have just finished it. Let's just say it was a good read, I laughed harder and louder than I thought I would. Not that the movie wasn't hilarious (in a v tasteful way might I add).

Yeah anyway...the ending in the book was v. realistic. It was almost more hard-hitting than the movie because as it says "Marcus had lost himself, and got to walk home from school with his shoes on.". The character Will misses the old Marcus in a way, the one that loved Joni Mitchell etc, I kinda miss that Marcus too...I was sorta rooting for him. Cause even though I didn't get bullied like that at school, because I don't find making friends that hard and I only ever reaaaaaaally got bullied for being asian and occasionally because I am weird lol, I kind of related to him. I didn't know he originally had glasses! (the character Marcus I mean)...but I guess in the film, they didn't want to make him stereotypical etc. Anyway glasses aside, it was comforting to see someone so weird....I kinda wish he didn't have to blend in so much in the end (as much as loving Smashing Pumpkins is "blending in") though I respect that he wanted to grow up himself, and he's happier now even though he had to sacrifice parts of himself for that.

Why am I thinking about this so much? It's just a darn book. Man outside is so pretty! The sun is glowing on all the trees and the clouds in the azure sky are all puffy and cute...kinda like that poem by John Clare...the one everyone kinda dissed because it was too simple or whatever. Sorry off on a tangent as usual.

Yah anyway apart from being kinda depp that I can't connect to youtube (*cries*)I have been successfully procrastinating (as you can tell with my book reading and watching 'Black Books' late into the night)...I really SHOULD do some work (right after I read volume 2 and 3 of 'Yotsuba'). I might call Steph tonight, if she's got time to hang out with Fi, then she should have time for me right?

Groo I don't know why just before I nod off I am always FILLED with passion (not that kind dirty minded people) and enthusiasm to do all this stuff. Like customize t-shirts, write a novel/poem/song, revise till my eyes fall out, discover a cure for every single disease....But it's gone by morning....how strange.

Anyway rambled enough for today. God front- things are going better. I'm speaking to him more now (yeah okay call me crazy)...which is good if I want a more intimate relationship (and I mean that in the best sense...mind out of gutters!)...so yeah just got to get my act together!!